When Goodbye Means to Never See You Again
by PeculiarMaleficent
Summary: I really thought that once I go back, we will find a way to be the "you and I" that we had. She was my best friend. *one shot*


**Hello everyone! It's been a while. What you are about to read is something special to me. It is an AU and is based on a real situation that had happened two and half years ago and it ended just this month. **

**Anyways, this will be my last brittana fic and I wouldn't be finishing the stories that I started writing. One, I lost my interest on writing it. Not because of me being on other fandom but because I lost all the fight in me to write a follow-up on it and I am sooo deeply sorry. And lastly, Brittana will be my OTP it's just that, I can't find any more inspiration. To be honest, i have the trouble in writing any story in general.**

**Glee is still not mine… and I think it's a good thing.**

**And I hope all of you will like this final piece. **

**It's angst BTW :)**

* * *

_Emptiness._

That's what's left on the ruins of me and her. I thought everything was fine when I left and have some alone time. I thought having some personal space would be better and maybe, just maybe I will be able to find myself again.

The old self that was lost along the way.

I really thought that once I go back, we will find a way to be the "you and I" that we had. She was my best friend.

And I lost her.

She knew about my fear about losing friends because I only value friends that I trusted and I hate losing one of those people that can be counted with my fingers—both feet and hands.

I know that I am to blame with what happened. I was too immature; too naïve to see what is the real thing. Yes, at some point I just thought only about myself. I was too vain to realize that perhaps, I am hurting her too. I was too disappointed of her denying me when there was no reason to deny a thing when we are not doing anything wrong.

Or maybe there was a reason.

Maybe something had happened.

Maybe I just didn't fully know the whole story to begin with.

* * *

It's funny how you met someone and you just clicked in an instance. You didn't actually plan it. It just happened. The first time we met was in a site for stories. It's not actually a NaNoWrimo kind of site but a site about fictions and writers who fell inlove with fictional characters. I was merely a reader and quite a writer. I got fascinated with an eighteen chapter fiction (at that time). It was crazy how I was able to read it in two nights and left a review about reading it and got enthralled by it. We got to talk, exchanged username in a social network site that somehow secure anonymity. We talked there most of the time, well not really, she was this snobbish preppy that enjoys talking with her own group of followers turned friends and I am merely an observer in the circle. I did talk to her in a couple of occasions, mostly asking irrelevant stuff since I had my own group of friends in that site as well.

I kinda forgot how we became close. Nah, I actually know, it was about a mystery that needed to be solve. It was a puzzle that considered necessary to be put together that made us somewhat close. The mystery box full of puzzle pieces was actually about her involvement with someone in our group of friends and it was rather funny, that I thought she and another friend was involved with one another. Thinking about it now, it's actually hilarious.

And that was the start.

We had a connection.

We had something that we rather not put label on.

We exchanged numbers.

We became comfortable with each other.

We started a silly flirtrationship.

We got in a tangled web of uncertainty.

During the course of whatever it is, the world spun so quickly and it felt like we were crossing a bridge but never crossing it. We were bound by not label the thing that we had and the restrictions that we put to ourselves. We were bound by our beliefs and what we were supposed to do without actually knowing what to do.

We had a lot of fights because we don't know anymore where we stood. We talked about the people that we would get involved to or people we wanted to be involve with to the idea of talking about what we really were. A lot of people got involve that we were like hiding something but wasn't hiding at all.

All we know is that we were more than friends.

We were passed best friends.

* * *

She told me she loved me.

I accepted it.

I accepted it but we still restricted ourselves to something that we actually did not know. We never had a commitment. All I know is that I knew what she felt and that I don't feel the same way.

I actually don't know what to feel.

I am a naïve kid and she was like she knew what she was doing.

She knew what she was saying.

I was immature but she never treated me as one, she treated me with much respect and I appreciated that.

We had a couple of fights and the worst was before the end of the year.

We stopped talking.

She asked me if I felt the same way.

I said No.

I still wouldn't change the answer if we would turn back the time. I don't feel intense feelings. It's a gift and a curse. I am quite emotionless. I care, yes. But never love.

The most intense thing that I felt maybe was caring deeply and that was what I felt for her.

She knew that.

But yeah, but still I tarnished her ego. Have I told you about her ego? No? Yeah, her ego is freaking big like the Jupiter. And I was just a minuscule foreign body in the outer system that was able to bump her Jupiter. That's all I'm going to say.

Anyway, she stopped talking to me for couple of months.

I didn't know what happened that time. I didn't actually know that it was something I said. I told you naïve. And I am quite a heartless one that is.

I greeted her on a special occasion. It was a simple greeting and an update. I wasn't actually hoping that she would answer but she did.

And a cycle started again.

* * *

At some point it became too much again. Too much meaning, I am again confused on what is happening like we are falling in a trap all over again.

It was getting so much more confusing the second time or maybe for me because I held grudges towards her. She left, got herself thinking, realizing stuffs, and here I was still questioning all of the laws in the world.

She left me standing alone in a circle while she went away, left and find some quiet place to think and reenergize herself on what is to come.

She was prepared for a battle and I was just there holding a piece of cardboard as shield.

She stayed because I asked her to.

Now, I honestly think that it would have been better if she just told me goodbye and left.

She and I worked at some point, regaining the friendship that we thought we had lost not until the inevitable end of the year thing happened all over again.

This time, I asked for time. Two months top.

I did have the time to figure out myself.

I honestly do not know if she'll be waiting and it would be fine if she won't.

I bounced back.

Grudges long forgotten.

I told her that when we talked after a couple of months after the "Me Time"

It was like same scenario. I greeted her. And that was it, although different thing happened this time. We nearly got to the point that after greeting her, we didn't talk. I actually thought that that was it. That that was the end of the good old friendship.

After less than a month, we talked again.

She asked me if I wanted to go out and I said yes.

I was excited to see her, and maybe we could fix what was broken. It's rather amazing how we actually fell into a situation where a thing or two didn't change.

That time, it felt normal.

I was happy that maybe I'll have my friend back. Maybe this is the part where mending wounds are on the final stage.

It was amazing.

I was happy.

The next day, it turned into nightmare.

I felt betrayed by my own emotion. I tried to compartmentalize and act normal. I tried to be rational all throughout the conversation.

She was explaining stuffs about things that she wasn't good at.

Like saying goodbye.

She said that she disappears when she wanted to; she just didn't want me to hate her if she leaves without saying it to me.

Everyone wanted closure, right? Everyone has the right to have one.

She was rambling about it and I was unconvincingly trying to act normal.

We were talking on the phone and text while talking because I had company and we deserved some privacy.

She was talking about the leaving thing and I just know what was about to happen, so I asked her on text.

"**Are you leaving?"**

She didn't answered right away she just kept on explaining.

So I voiced it out,_** "Are you?"**_

And she answered_ yes_.

I actually didn't know what to say except for okay. And that somehow I understand. I never thanked her for considering my feelings. To not spare me on a never ending abyss of self doubt.

We then ended the call with a goodbye. A simple goodbye as if symbolizing that we'll talk on the next day but the truth, it was an end to something we can never go back to.

* * *

But really, I honestly think that she shouldn't have asked me to go out. To make me feel a little bit of peace and happiness thinking that I got my friend back. That, she shouldn't have stayed in my new home with our other friend, because everytime I see the spot where we drink some liquor, I can't help but scoff at the fake happiness that I had.

Call me petty and childish.

Ungrateful even.

But that's what I felt.

The next day, it all came crashing on me.

I felt betrayed.

My sense of trust was betrayed.

My happiness was betrayed.

But then, the rational part of my brain thinks that maybe she did this for us to save us both; to save us from becoming more toxic to each other.

_**Santana.**_

She was my best friend.

Maybe we'll see each other again and say "I think I know you from somewhere."

Or maybe we won't even cross each other's path.

But, I am, in all honesty, glad that at some point in my life, I have met her.

* * *

**Now you are here reading this, it means you either finished the story or you just have a penchant for reading Author's notes. ;) **

**I know I didn't made it detailed. It wasn't the whole story but I just want to let things all out in the open for everyone to read it. It's like releasing the stressful stuff in the system and letting the endorphin do the work. ;) **

**See you around guys!**


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